Heavy Stone

“Chloe” by Jaume Plensa

I woke up early this morning, feeling unrested, achy. Today was the first day in many days that I was able to sleep in, and I’ve been so burnt out lately that I really thought I would. But I didn’t. I woke up around 7, unsettled. I’ve been having a rough few days, so while reaching for my Dexcom, I thought to myself, I need a good number. Please.

:::::: 313 ::::::

A heavy stone formed in my chest, because that is what happens. No falling to my knees, no screaming, no crying. I might have said Fuck out loud. But this quiet weight, hard to hold, rolled through me.

It got worse when I zoomed out to get an idea of my entire overnight blood sugar situation. Not only was it 313 right then, but it had been for hours, and for a while before that, it peaked at 400.

Fuck.

I took insulin. I drank water. I made coffee. I sat curled up on the couch in my quiet apartment.

I don’t know if I’m angry, or sad. I don’t feel sick. I don’t want to hear words of sympathy. I don’t want to dissect what went wrong at 11pm last night, what I did and did not do. I don’t want to think about the pile of these hyperglycemic nights that have happened lately. I don’t want to consider this a lesson or a punishment.

I just want it to be what is has been: hyperglycemia that is now coming down.

I just want to do the next right thing, which varies, but is some form of self-care:

a phone call, an appointment, a snack, a deep breath. 

To be kind to myself through this is incredibly important,

because it happens, and it will happen. 

And because the bottom line is: 

I am never not trying.

 

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2 Comments

  1. Valerie October 20, 2017 / 2:41 pm

    Perfect description. I like how you bring yourself to the present, such a caring nature you have. I know about always trying to figure it out in my case there is no figuring it out it just is what it is and I am who I am. Really thanks for sharing your story and it is encouraging to me to stay on the path of Self care instead of focusing on what’s wrong with me. Bless you

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